What happens when I pick up a shift:

"Are you gonna be our waitress? Oh, good. Well, this is how it's gonna go..." is not a customary (or appropriate) introduction to your server at the start of a meal.

However, it was said, and there was no turning back. This broad was just lucky that I was in a good mood, and that it was the very beginning of my shift. Had I known the disastrous events that would occur later, I may not have been so fake-nice to her.

"...This is the birthday boy. You can bring him a drink and set it right here." She pointed her fat finger at the empty table next to them. I was unaware that two people are allowed to take over multiple tables when they sit down at a restaurant, but I was in no mood to argue with her. The 'Birthday Boy' was wearing a Baby Carlos- Hangover tee shirt, which could have been cool or funny except that it was tucked in, and paired with a collared button up underneath, and a piece of flair that read 'Party Time!'

"So we're going to do presents first, and I will be videotaping so if you could not bother us that'd be great. I just don't want you coming over, and interrupting our video by saying 'Hey are you OK over here?' or 'Hey, can I bring you anything?' We will let you know if we need something."

I should have lost it, but instead, I thought 'They don't want me to bother them... I am definitely fine with that.' and said to her, only slightly flippant, "Oh, that will not be a problem!" As instructed, I fetched 'Birthday Boy's' drink, set it down, and kept rollin'.

Since I knew I had some free time on my hands, I let everyone in on the situation so they could observe the freak show that was sure to follow. Only moments passed before Mom found me at the front desk and picked out a handful of balloons that she needed to "set the mood of the video" told me to blow them up, and tie them to her son's chair.

I feel it is important to point out a few things:

-'Birthday Boy' appears to be in his early 20's.

-'Birthday Boy' is not even slightly embarrassed by his mother's behavior.

The entire staff has found an observation spot close enough to see the action, but far enough away to talk shit and not be heard. We all watch in amazement as the documentation process begins. The mother is circling her son with the camera, who is not moving, just smiling and staring back at her. Neither person is talking or interacting with one another, but they both seem thrilled. I am not sure that either of them have any other friends, so really the content of this video is a non issue. No one else will ever watch it. My co-workers and I try to depict the life story of this duo, and decide that the Father (husband) has probably passed away and that this Mother/Son relationship has blossomed into something strangely beautiful and unhealthy. We argue whether or not it's appropriate for your mom to be your best friend at this age- and at what point she crosses the line of being your 'best friend' to your being 'only friend'.

It only gets better as the gifts get unwrapped. I did not catch them all, but I will share what I witnessed.

1. The entire set of Toy Story 3 Action figures

2. The Tinkerbell Movie

3. A framed print of Mickey and Minnie Mouse

4. A framed print of Alice and the Mad Hatter

5. A poster of Roger, from Who Framed Roger Rabbit

6. A Mickey Mouse watch

7. A pair of 3D glasses (which he is now wearing)

There were a lot more gifts I missed, at least 30, I'd say, but I couldn't just sit and watch, although I would have loved to. The whole present process took about an hour in total. The very last thing he opened was an iPod Touch. The whole staff was pretty impressed by this, as this grand finale of a gift was quite the cherry on top of the plethora of things he'd already received. After every gift he opened, he stood up, walked around the table, and gave his mom a hug. After the iPod though, she got a big ole' wet kiss on the lips. For the purpose of the story, I am glad I caught this, but it was pretty much a big hot incest-y mess that made me vomit in my mouth a little bit.

I realized they were ready for me, so I made sure the video camera was put away, and approached the table. I acted ignorant, and asked how it went, and if he got any good presents. 'Birthday Boy' didn't get a chance to respond before his mother went over the list with me, ending with the iPod touch which she was obviously very proud of. I noticed he had two iPods in his hands, and inquired about it. 'Birthday Boy's' mom told me that "the new one has a camera, and he needed it because it's just not practical to carry a camera, and an iPod, when you can have both in one!"

You know what's not practical lady?! Oh, let me think... Um, you celebrating your grown son's birthday with him, alone, and acting as if it's a reality TV show! You buying him thousands of dollars worth of Walt Disney merchandise made for kids 1/4 his age! You allowing him to kiss you on the mouth! You going to eat at a restaurant, ordering people around, taking up three tables, and not even ordering for two hours!

Ugh. So, they finally order food, which actually turns out to be pretty normal, as far as the whole dining process goes. And, then- the time comes when I gather all my co-workers to sing to this man-child for his birthday. The video camera comes back out, and this time, all of us are allowed to make an appearance, as we sing. Awesome.

I try to not talk to them any more than I have to, but when it comes time for them to pay we have another lovely interaction. She takes the flyer encouraging her to go online and leave feedback on her visit (which I cannot wait to read) and asks for another one... so she can put it in her son's scrapbook... Fine. Weird, but fine.

She then explains to me, how delightful I was, and how great of a waitress I am. She would know, she tells me, because they eat at fine restaurants all over the world. They have been to Disney Land 61 times, just got back from Egypt, and recently visited the Red Sea.

"Normally, I don't tip," she tells me- "not even $2, like I'm going to leave you. But you really earned it, Elyse! You know what you would be really good at? Working in Disney Land, as Minnie Mouse. You are just so sweet. That's a compliment you know!"

Man, was I honored.

10%

I got into an conversation at work about the differences between men and women, and how they act and interact in public settings, more specifically the restaurant. (...duh)

We were watching these three men who were in the bar. They were all sitting separately, and didn't know each other, but they were all watching the same football game. It was interesting to us that men can go eat somewhere alone in the first place, as it would be rare for me/us (both women) to go anywhere alone. Also, they all started talking amongst themselves from their separate corners about the game, which led to work, and their wives etc...

We both just found it strange, that neither of us would go somewhere alone, and then talk to strangers. We shared stories of how we go so far as to avoid these types of situations- like in crowded bars, or malls, or public transportation.

I felt a little guilty for a minute, like I was finally confessing, and realizing a negative personality trait. If no one ever talked to strangers, no one would ever meet anyone new, or make friends, or start new relationships. As we kept talking though, an epiphany came to us. We don't avoid talking to strangers because we're bitchy, or rude, or, shy, or self-centered- we avoid talking to strangers because we work in restaurants and we do it all day- for a living!

It makes a lot of sense now- looking back on ex-boyfriends, or friends I've lost touch with. This is the part that's really a flaw, and hard to admit. I find myself losing touch, or ignoring issues because doing the work to maintain a friendship doesn't seem worth giving up my routine or my alone time. Obviously this is short lived because I can only live without outside stimulation for so long, and my friends really are worth the "work"... but maybe admitting it IS the first step!

What came first? My self-proclaimed standoffish-ness, or working in a restaurant forcing me to get over in in the hopes of a 10% tip? Maybe it matters not which led to the other- but the fact that I repeatedly put myself out there to these perfect strangers, offering to fetch whatever they may need, with no promise of anything in return. Not even (sometimes) their kindness.

On a somewhat separate note- I heard once from a customer, that 'TIPS' originated as an anagram standing for "To Insure Prompt Service" and was given at the start of a meal, not the end. Depending on the size of the tip, you were really promising yourself the quality of service you yourself paid for. It may have been B.S., but I think we should reinstate that. Maybe I would waste less time and effort if I knew for sure I was dealing with someone poor, someone rude, or even worse- someone cheap.

Relationships don't start as one-sided selfish agreements. They start as mutual contracts of kindness. I suppose being a waitress skews your perception of people on the whole... but it's hard to stay positive when you're fate (and wallet) is in the hands of rude strangers.

If there is something positive to come out of this- I have sure learned to not waste an ounce of effort on people who don't give more than... oh, say 10%... to a relationship. Thank you, friends and family, for making the cut.

What's that number for the rejection hotline?

So, the thoughts behind this post are more out of curiosity than gripe... which may be a relief to some of you, or maybe not... but I don't care, really. It's my blog.

To put it simply, It's my job to be nice to everyone- no matter what. I feel that this is pretty much a commonly understood arrangement. No one would go out to eat to get ignored, or criticized or talked down to. (Actually, I think there's a restaurant that encourages that- it's called 'Dicks' or something. *Point* ONE restaurant.) Anyway... Men, women, young, old, white, black, whatever. Nice, nice, nice, nice, and nice, whatever. For the most part, I am pretty good at maintaining this demeanor through out my day- I think, but that's another story.

Here's the problem:

When men come in, and I am nice to them... do they REALLY think we (I say 'we' as a people... female servers in general.) are flirting with them?

Okay, here's the scenario. There's three or four, or more men sitting down. They are either dirty from working all day, or high off the fumes of their own cologne in a desperate attempt to impress the other "VIPs" paying 11 dollars for a cocktail somewhere downtown (their next stop). Either way, they're not cool. Regardless of which social class they fit into, they proceed to order countless drinks, food items, and run me ragged waiting on them and cleaning up after them. They may as well be pigs, or limb-less children because for these short 42 minutes we share together, they're helplessly repulsive.

They typically talk to each other unusually loud when talking about "cool" things, like their shoes, or what kind of car they drive while using "cool" words like 'scene' and 'boss'...

Or once, I had one gentleman who tried less to be "cool", instead, went for the "average guy" approach. He told me about some normal happenings in his life. We explored his first love, who left him and is getting married soon to another man. Although they are still BFFs, she wants him to be in the wedding, and he just couldn't BEAR to watch his first love wed another man. Next, I learned about his most recent love (only the second person he ever used the L- Word for) who dumped him... on his birthday. It was obvious to everyone involved that it was her mother's fault for depicting him in a negative light, but needless to say, he is just heartbroken. He then listed everything positive he has to offer, such as a job, and an apartment, and VIP access to every bar downtown.

COOL!!!!!!! ...Not! Nope, sorry. You're still pathetic. You really think that telling me how miserable your love life is will make me feel sorry for you?

And once, the icing on the cake, shall we say... I was serving a table of two 20 something guys who were quiet, and seemed fairly nice- until they finished eating, paid and didn't leave. I went back over to check on them, curious as to why they weren't leaving, when one of them asked me out. When I told him "Sorry, I'm seeing someone..." they left right away, taking with them the cash tip they'd left for me on the table. Really?! I wasn't a bit**, I didn't laugh in your face, and I also didn't leave you my number, or a fake number, leading you on (which would have been much worse in my opinion). Whatever...

Why do men think ANY of these are noteworthy tactics to make a good impression on women? But more importantly, why, when I continue being nice to them- do they have to think I am interested?

On the surface, I get it.

In any other scenario- if you are nice to a woman and she responds nicely back, thats a good sign. BUT, in a restaurant, it is my job to be nice to you! PERIOD. You are about to give me money. The nicer I am, the more money you are likely to give me. It sounds harsh, but thats probably the only reason I'm being nice to you.

SO Gentleman, next time you go to the coffee shop and the cute barista gives you an extra shot, and a little wink- she doesn't want to give you her number. The next time the sexy bartender gives you a free beer, she probably just forgot to add it on, or is hoping you realize it, and make up for the discount in her tip- she does not want to do you.

Sorry. The truth hurts, doesn't it.

Like Dog Years, Only Worse

Since I have been a part of the working world, I have also been a part of the restaurant industry. Although this may be only 5 mere years in the grand scheme of things, I think that "restaurant years" are something like "dog years", only worse.  Everyone's job has stresses, but dealing so intimately with strangers is constant stress within itself.  

Forget the cliental for a moment, what I really wonder about, is the breed of people who place themselves to work in restaurants. Yes, I am one of them- I know. But, what is it about this job that seems to be found by so many... 'colorful'  workers? Or... is it the job itself that simply strips everyone it encompasses of their sanity, morals, and common sensical thought process?

My first job was ran by a duo of Jehova Witness middle aged women. One, who was "allergic to artificial odors", and another who would occasionally forget where she left her retainer. (This retainer was some sort of apparatus that held her two front false teeth.) No retainer, no teeth. Every day, we would insert a VHS corresponding to the date, press play, and this was our video camera security system.  Mind you that there were only 30 tapes, so at the end of the month, we would start back at '1' and hope there was nothing important documented on that tape we might need later. On months with 31 days... I guess we were just SOL, or something like that. Oh, and since this whole system was run on an ancient 8 inch TV and VCR, anyone could pause the tape whenever they wanted. We were punished for EVER sitting down, subject to have the schedule changed mid-week without notification, and every two weeks we were paid in cash rounded DOWN to the nearest dollar. 

My second job was owned by a married couple who, in the year that I worked for them, I saw a grand total of 3 times.  Now, although the daily work could be done by a group of 16 year olds with no supervision, the 'business' part of their ownership was nonexistent. They would order no bulk supplies, but send us to the grocery store every morning- then accuse us for their lack of profit. The Regional director was really the glue that held us all together. I loved this man to death, but he was just a little... off. He spent his days speaking to us in his interpretation of tongues, making ice cream sundaes atop his bald head, and searching for Zookeeper jobs on CraigsList, for he felt this would be a step up from where he worked currently. When the store Manager was fired for her lack to manage (at all) I was asked to fill her shoes, for Minimum Wage.  I was told that Minimum Wage was about to go up, so... that was sort of like a raise.  I may have been 17, but I was not stupid.  Needless to say, I left as soon as I found another job.

At this point in my life, I began to work in Corporate restaurants. Based on the fact that I still do, and hope to continue after this is posted, I will not give specific details as to the situations that take place.  Sorry, lets have coffee... I'd love to tell you the dirt.

Stay sane, my service industry friends... Please, I need you.

Robbbin

I have come to a point in my job that when a strange guest comes in, and I mean the minute they step through the door, I can sense them. I am not sure if they emit some weirdo odor, or if they all breathe at a weirdo pitch only I can pick up on, but it's something too great to ignore. 

Let me preface this story by saying that the time is currently 1 pm, and shift change is at 4 pm.

Weirdo alerts go off, and it goes without saying, Weirdo is led straight to my section.

This man is wearing a backpack, and headphones, which upon further inspection I realize are not connected to any source of technology. The cord is just dangling straight down towards the floor... probably at a desperate attempt to get away. 

I approach him and introduce myself as I typically do, and without ordering anything, even water, he lets me know he needs to go wash his hands and look at the menu before he will need anything from me.

Fine, somewhat reasonable. A little strange, but I will not write him off just yet. 

I see him return, but do not make any point to rush over and help him. It seems that he is busy emptying his wallet, and displaying it's contents to me, or anyone who may pass his table. Every business card, credit card, form of identification, etc... is placed precisely parallel to the end of the table, also perfectly spaced and aligned with the one above and below it.  

Okay. Getting weirder, but I am definitely allowed to talk sh*t about him at this point.

I casually walk past him a number of times to allow assistance, but only on his terms. After the third or fourth time he has gotten up and trekked to the bathroom to "wash his hands", (mind you that all the cards, his things, and his wallet are left on the table when he leaves) he stops me and asks to check the balance on two gift cards. Both are worth exactly $10.00. Once he receives this information, he uses his napkin to add 'Gift Card Number One: $10.00 + Gift Card Number Two: $10.00 = Total Money: $20.00.' During the documentation of this complicated math equation, he is interrupted several times by his cell phone. 

*May I please note that it is pink, and sparkly. It is a plastic, toy Barbie phone. It must be broken, for it only rings when his mouth also makes a ringing sound. 

So, naturally, every time the phone rings he needs to take off his headphones, and once Barbie hangs up, he can put them back on. I must not be of equal importance to Barbie, as he can talk to me just fine with his electronic ear muffs still on.

That's it, it's official. I have an serious weirdo on my hands.

3:00 passes, so does 3:30, and I am starting to wonder if Weirdo is ever going to order anything at all, especially before it is time for me to go home. I am just keeping my fingers crossed that maybe if he washes his hands eight more times that they will be clean enough to eat with.

At 4:00, what I say out loud is, "Alright, I just wanted to check on you one more time to see if there's anything I can bring for you, because my shift is over and someone else will be here to take care of you, but it is time for me to go home." What I say in my head is, "ALRIGHT WEIRDO, I HAVE WASTED THREE HOURS OF MY LIFE WALKING PAST YOUR TABLE AND I CAN'T F***ING AFFORD TO HANG OUT WITH YOU FOR SIX MORE HOURS IN HOPES THAT YOU'LL BE STRUCK BY SOME LIGHTNING BOLT THAT MAKES YOU DECIDE WHAT TO ORDER!!!" 

This makes Weirdo feel guilty, enough to order a side of fries worth $1.99 (which he immediately subtracts from his napkin ledger).  When I return with them, he gives me my tip, which is:

"One dollar, which is equal to 100 copper pennies. 100 copper pennies have a total weight of 36 grams, and a gold exchange rate of 13%."

What I say out loud, is... nothing. What I say in my head is "What. The. F***."

"Could I please get your name for my records?" *Napkin Ledger: 'Tipped Elyse: 100 copper pennies on August, 31, 2009.'

"For your records, my name is Robbbin. With three B's. Everything was perfection, In God We Trust."

Once Weirdo is finished, he packs his life back up into his wallet, puts on his backpack, checks in with Barbie one last time, and walks out of the door, and with any luck, out of my life forever.

Goodbye Rain Man - err... Robbbin. It's been a good four hours. Thanks for the dollar.

P.S.- I am not sure if these penny figures are exactly what he told me, but if they were, he was not necessarily what I would consider to be a credible source. Google it instead.